Monday, October 4, 2010

Inside the plastic bag: 100 shades of wrong

My Dad mightn't like me to say this, but he's a hoarder. It's the only explanation for why amazing and embarrassing things keep emerging from his shed. Around six months ago, it was The Suitcase - an old, vinyl, buckled suitcase full of - well, you can read about it here.

Last week, Sister C and I found a plastic bag on the parental patio. Dad had no idea what it was. He'd dragged it out of the shed and it was lying around looking for a home. We rifled through it, shrieking with laughter at what we found. "You simply have to blog about this?" she said, between fits of hysteria. My response? No way.

That night, in the Fibro kitchen, I showed The Builder what we'd found. He has these fantastic laugh lines around his eyes, that crinkle up when he's amused, making his eyes sparkle. Those laugh lines were craters as I took him through our discoveries, step by step.

The next day, I was reading Bern Morley's very funny blog So Now What? She's got a fantastic giveaway going on, where you can win some tummy-tucking, thigh-shrinking, butt-lifting jeans - all you have to do is answer a simple question and she swears these jeans will change your life. The question? What was your biggest fashion mistake? The look you thought was rocking but was, in hindsight, 100 shades of wrong. I answered her question honestly - silver jumpsuit, green pants suit... actually, I have 100 looks that would fit that criteria. Other commenters are going further, sending in pictures, and if you don't laugh at these, you are not human.

But the blog post got me thinking. About the plastic bag. And its contents.

A little known fact about the publishing world is that editorial assistants and cadet journalists are often called upon to step above and beyond the call of duty. From behind their desks to in front of the cameras. From the ages of 19-23, I worked for a publishing company that published a lot of blokey mags. Fishing, golfing, cars, boats, heavy metal, building, computers, electronics... Available females were often dragged in to be models. It is my only excuse for this:




And this:




And even this:




From a 1991 issue of the short-lived (and sadly unlamented) Australian Woman Golfer magazine. And these are some of the best shots. I think they went out of their way to make me look 40. Actually, I think I actually look younger now. You can see why The Builder was in hysterics. Though, as I told him, not every man can say that he's married to a former model.

Feel free to laugh (I am) and then pop over to Bern's blog and enter the giveaway (you have until Sunday). I am looking forward to reading (and possibly seeing) all your worst fashion moments. Though I suspect that the golf stick as accessory may be one of fashion's biggest crimes...



{images: Kiosk Hello + Australian Woman Golfer/Phil Aynsley (lovely man, I don't blame him at all)}

24 comments:

  1. HA! Love it! The worst fashion bobo for me was hyper colour. I mean, it's just wrong.

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  2. Oh. My. God. Best laugh I've had... well, possibly all year. Do you still have the hat from shot number three?

    My better half has had similar belly laughs at some of my old pic bylines, but none featured golfing accessories. Thank God.

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  3. Wow, you were a model! I love the pictures!

    xo Susie

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  4. By the way, I just have to add I love your method acting in shot number two. Although your confusion at finding a random lily in your golf buggy could well be genuine.

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  5. Look at you! Utterly gorgeous!

    (Although, when I read "blokey mags" in conjunction with "found in a plastic bag" I did get a little nervy,....)

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  6. Wow - I can honestly say I am lost for words. I think the Lily is my favourite. I remember the Electronics magazine but not this - can't imagine why you didn't share at the time! Devastating! Only that your writing is so entertaining I would say that you have missed your calling. Naomi Campbell be damned..............

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  7. Oh Allison, I feel for you (but do you mind if I keep the 'lily' shot? it reeks of photographic desperation, and your expression is priceless).
    I was a swimsuit model at age seven - and my mother keeps dragging the photos out!! She just sent a selection to my daughter! Embarrassment can go no further.

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  8. I have teased my mom before (we both share a dark sense of humor), "Gawd, mom, when you die all you're going to leave us is that HOARDING closet!"

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  9. My husband is a keen golfer. You could be his mascot. Or his caddy.

    I think you look very fetching in a perky sort of way.

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  10. They have an edwardian feel to them those first two shots but the last one is hilarious, the hair and the hat. Thank you for being so very brave and sharing :-)

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  11. That has MADE my day. Strike that, week. Golfing fashion = awesome.

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  12. By that last pic I was convinced...you were an extra in Caddy Shack, weren't you?

    But really, what classic pics you've shared with us - in all your golfing pose glory. Yep, still gorgeous fibro-dweller!! :)

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  13. Oh, I'm laughing! Those shots are hilarious!

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  14. How could anyone not look at these and laugh? I had overlooked the significance of the lily until it was pointed out to me here and about 100 times on Facebook.

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  15. Oh you're gorgeous. Be proud. They actually look like 1950-ish shots. More classical than you give yourself credit for. Screen siren-ish! A-M xx

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  16. You had the sultry, fuck with me and I'll club you to death, look down pat.

    Made me laugh, but you were (and still are) stunning. x

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  17. Tee he! I wish you'd have posted the electronics cover - the big T-shirt and acid wash jeans were priceless!

    And you are right - you look younger IRL at 40 than you did when you were pretending to be! Except maybe the greys... oops did I say that?

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  18. Oh my God!! Loving that visor! From the look on your face you clearly took your modelling work seriously :)

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  19. I think you look gorgeous! It was very tricky in the 90's to look gorgeous ~ you pulled it off beautifully:)

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  20. Hahaha - you must thank your hoarder Dad for the best laugh!
    These are classic.

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  21. LOVE these! Oh my. These are awesome. Tee hee.

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  22. OMG!! And this.... (hysterical laughter)... this (clutching sides).... this (possibly letting out a bit of wee).... is why I love Twitter. F*ck, that's funny. So good to be back!

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